FOREVER IN SEARCH OF A MEDICATED BLISS...


I tend to theorize that sometimes I need a medicated vacation away from all the chaos. Of course this will never happen, but I can dream. Instead I have opted for an inexcusable state of morbid drunkeneess and by best bud Allen is going to join me. We are having an all night Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks marathon in June in their honour, since I cannot afford to attend the concert. I can hardly wait to just totally chill with my bud... catch ya later...

Re'

Tonight I am posting several poems I have been working on. Some are finished and some are not. Some of them are good and some, well, some are piss poor in my opinion... but happy reading away.


And the dogs of chasm
Brought down dark shadows
Across the world,
Chasing a phantom,
An apparition without a face.

And the wings of ravens sounding
A lonesome drum, beating
To an ancient time,
Swoop across the sky
Calling out his name.

And the dark days went by
Leaving nothing for hope
Only the onslaught of blood shed
In the name of the HOLY
Or maybe the INSANE...
Renee H. 5/15/04


Beneath the ashes
She walks up there
Never resting
The haunted, haunting
A past, a present...
Where the veil
Between worlds is vague...
She walks up there...
Haunted and forlorn.
Despair her companion
Unable to forget the
Torture of the flame
Driven to maddness
By its devilsh dance...
She walks up there
Beneath the ashes
Waiting for an absolution...

Renee H. 5/15/04


The fate of the lady hangs precariously....

Just upon the best hour...
The witching hour
The lady of lost shadows
Hushes her mournful cries
For silence is a healer,
A lover, to some...
An enemy.
She gives way, breaking
Through to the other side
Watching herself as though
Her essence was held inside
A spinning globe of smoky glass...
Allowing the passage of time
To whisper pass.. as though a dream

Renee H 5/16/04

26 Rude and Sarcastic and even slightly amusing things to Say...

1) Thank you---We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3)I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it is hard to pronounce.
4)Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5)I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care.
6)I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
7)What am I --- Flypaper for freaks?!!
8)I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9)I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10)I will always cherish the intial misconceptions I had about you.
11)It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12)Yes, He IS an agent of SATAN, but his duties are largely ceremonial.
13)No, my powers can only be used for good.
14)How about never? Is never good for you?
15)I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16)Your idea seems reasonable.... Time to up my medication.
17)I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18)I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
19)I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20)Who Me? I just wander from room to room.
21)My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22)It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23)At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24)You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25)I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26)Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh, nervously and change the subject.

and 27 is just for Allen....

27) LET ME DRAW YOU A GRAPH.....

So much to say and so little time....

On occasion, words become a massive swirling, tumbling, and rolling force within my own mind and I am unable to convey a coherent, complete thought on any one subject. That is how I feel right now. I have become aware of something I was not so aware of a few days ago and I am busy trying to absorb and digest this self analysis. As time goes by, it never ceases to amaze and the amount of things I still do not know, and the things about myself and those that surround me. To any of you out there, I apologize for being so absorb in my own world, to not have seen you had a need. I love you all and am who I am today because of some very special people and I thank you...

Love to all..

Re'

On through the misery
And Moonless nights,
Cloaked in fear, in sorrow
Whispers of ages passed
Echo through the lonely hall
And shadows creep along
The Hallowed memory.
Morose, and Forlorn,
The Lady's spirit bends...
For this...This is only another death.
5/8/04
Renee H.

The nightly reading sessions have been going well and the kids are beginning to understand better and get the idea of the story line. I think they are actually enjoying it.
I have been busy trying to catch up on my writings and I have a couple of poems to post tonight. Not some of my best stuff... but it was important enough for me to write.


As I slipped away
From the Masses and
Fell upon the decay of the world
A crowd of hapless strangers
Drifted by--oblivious...
The mortal wound festering
On the face of humanity~~
A punishment for those
Who know of what must be...

And Truth Stalls
And Loneliness remains
A truth amoung fools.
Unspoken legends of old
Have faded away to the
Whispering winds for
We no longer believed
And the magick of old
Faded with time.

Like a tunnel, a vaccum
The will of morality is
Consumed in blackness
So the Age of Reason withers
and I weep for the fading light.


Renee H. 5/4/04


I saw it comming,
A great dark storm,
Churning on the horizon
Green light flashing
Burning the night sky...
Born on the wings of God's army...
The beating wings rolling like thunder


I saw it comming,
A great dark storm
Breeding on the night
Festering in the wind
Torn from my chest
My love forlorn
Left to stagnate amoung life's pond.

I saw it comming,
A great dark storm
Sweeping through my world
Surging with chaotic power
Born for only this purpose.


And I saw it going...
My great dark storm...
Sorrow ruling for many still nights....


Renee H
4/9/04

This afternoon, I say my near 15 year old seen reading a book that was written, in my opinion, for someone on the 4th grade reading level. This made me aware of the fact that my highschool aged child has no clue of the classics. I was appalled at this. I cannot be entirely to blame because I have only had him for the last three years of his life and those have been spent de-programming him and turning him into a productive, postive, and mentally well-balanced child and now I see I have an even greater task before me. Coaching him to read or listen to me read from books of great composition. I have also included the twins in this because it is never to early to learn. I had the advantage of a mother that encouraged and enjoyed reading for enlightenment and enjoyment. Sooooo.... In a effort to expand my children's intellect. I made for our local library, sulky teenager and library card in tow. Needless to say Billy was less than thrilled at my declaration of impending "higher education", all he wanted was to read easy mindless entertainment. We arrived at the library and the librarian was most helpful, but I was dissappointed at the limited selection our library has to offer and the age of some of these books. I was able to obtain, however; Charles Dickens' "David Copperfield", "Great Expectations", and "A Tale of Two Cities". Billy was in tears...literally. I told him he had not even given the books a chance... that he might find them interesting and I would be reading them with him to help him along the way.... He still wasn't happy. So, I browsed some more and found me a book by Carlos Castenades titled " The Teachings of Don Juan"... I have heard of him and bill says I am in for a "trip". I also checked out a complete translated version of Homers' "The Ilyad" as a book on tape and will listen to that while I am at work. With all of this bounty, we headed home, and while walking back to the house, I asked Billy if he would like for me to read "A Tale of Two Cities" aloud and we discuss as we go and he said that sounded good to him.... So I got the twins and myself and Billy and we sat down in the living room with the TV off and I read three chapters before supper. Billy confessed he partially understood it and found it a little boring. The twins ask alot of questions and I answer them as we go. I totally enjoyed the session and told them to plan on this every evening.

What I also discovered by reading aloud to the kids is their total lack of historical knowledge. It was difficult for them to picture what things were like in 1775. Any advice on how I can teach them more about history and things revelant to those time periods? Again, I was graced with Parents that loved history and I was always surrounded by it. I don't remember "learning" about history because it seems it was ever present in my life and surroundings. The twins even have a hard time imagining what things were like in the "old west", and yet again, I am flabbergasted.
So if ya'll have any ideas on how to improve this please email me or leave me a comment.
Also any classics you can think I can add to the list, please jot them down. So far I have anything by Charles Dickens, Edgar Allen Poe, Emily Dickinson, Charlotte Bronte, F. Scott Fritzgerald, and Victor Hugo and of of course William Shakespeare.

TTFRN
Re'

Okay.. so I had a pity party this weekend.....

I slept the entire weekend and now I feel better... I think I was just worn out from work, overtime, bill and the kids...

I have caught entering my poetry into my hard back journal and now all is left is to type them up and post some on here.... not to worry should happen in the next few days.... see ya soon..

Re'

No inspiration, No motivation, No Inclination..... who cares and what for's that is all I am blogging .... see ya'll around...

Way Behind....

I am way behind on keeping my poems cataloged and saved and posting on here. I am thinking of creating a link to view only poetry but I am going to need Ronnie's help with that....
So maybe this weekend I will have time to get caught up and post some new work.
My daily posts have become rather bland and do not reflect the depth of my writing skill. I feel I have been using this more as a Journal with myself in mind as the audience and I want to practice my skill on a higher level than I have been doing recently.

More to Come....

Re'

Well, Bill and I had a nice relaxing anniversiary. We had breakfast together, which we hardly ever get to do, watched some TV and then I went and bought Petunias to plant in our pots. Saturday is the Annual Petunia Days in my local town. There is going to be garage sales, sidewalk sales and a community photo taken at the city hall....I am taking the kids. It will be one of those fun "memory" things for the kids. We are also planning to put our "treasure" out for our very own yard sale.... Yeah!!!

On a different note... I had a visitor to my blog the other day from another blog, and I was really pleased to see her visit. I visit her blog daily and need to add it to my links section... It is called The Blue Witch. I always have difficultly adding links so I will work on that this afternoon... and BW I hope to see you again.... Thank you so much for visiting....

Re'

Next Monday, the 19th, is mine and Bill's 2nd wedding aniversary...... any ideas on how to celebrate.???

Dont Mind me....

My poor pitiful existence has been reduced to hours sitting on the computer in the hopes of possibly, maybe, somehow finding my friends online, or finding stimulating intelligent conversation with other folks. It seems while my friends have meaning to their existence, I have somehow slide into the depths of "ho hum" quite easily and conviently......Easily done when you have 3 kids, 13 dogs (9 of which are puppies) and two horses to contend with everyday......

Don't mind me.... I am just sitting here wondering WHERE THE HELL EVERYONE'S AT AND WHY WASN'T I FUCKING INVITED?

HA HA.....

LOVE
Re'

Well, It has been a busy but nice Easter Weekend... I ate too much but what the hell.. I enjoyed it.
Not much else going on... The Puppies are getting bigger and will be ready to go to new homes starting next week.... Lets pray to God, Goddess that we have no difficulty selling them....

Love to all..

Re'

WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER AS A KID....


Lately, I have been thinking of the things from childhood that brings a smile to my face and, Yes, a sense of longing for more simple times. I remember playing in the early spring in our backyard that was above the knee deep. Lush and green and cool. You literally could lay down and become swallowed by a green pillow. My sister and I would play for hours on end with our barbie dolls. We built many a barbie kingdom with highways, biways, lakes and swimming pools. My oldest brother built me a LARGE dollhouse so big it would not fit inside the house. It was a simple design, but none the less it was huge.... I alone could lay down across the third floor(attic). When he presented me with this gift, I loved it from the start and it was unfinished so I set out to fix it up right nice for my Miss America barbie and all of underlings. Now, I was probably about six or seven years old...Lived in a time when kids could be left unsupervised for hours on end with no worries. One day, I decided it was time to Paint the Dollhouse and Paint it I did....I grew up on a farm and my dad was a truck driver... so there was always spare parts and what not laying around and I set out on a quest with my sister to "discover" paint. Now, my daddy was partial to Ford Tractors and we had two of them... Well, you can guess what I found.... a gallon of thick oil paint in the most spendiforous shade of "Ford Tractor Blue". Well I snatched that right up and put it in our trusty red wagon, found a couple of paint brushes, and before I was done I had found a half gallon of white paint.....I thought I was the smartest kid in the world. We left the shade of the barn and headed back to the backyard...How I knew you had to stir paint I dont know but Mom's broom was sitting on the back porch and I thought the handle made the perfect "stirrer spoon". I stirred up the white first and wiped the excess off with my hands then dipped into the blue and stirred it... I wiped that excess off too.....then scrubbed it with hand fulls of grass to leave it "unmessy" for momma. I made my sister paint the inside and I set out to paint the outside. We worked on that thing all afternoon, because I wanted it to be pretty before Daddy and My brother got home from the fields and show it off. I was covered in blue paint....OIL PAINT.... that shit does not come off folks... I had blue paint in my hair, on my face and up to my elbows... I guess you could say i was the first offical smurf....and that was before smurfs were ever heard about. Well, I started getting worried... I didnt ask before I used the paint and I got to thinking....I am gonna be in trouble...So....... I put the paint back after i had finished.... buried the brushes in the horse pasture....NO evidence...NO conviction...Right....WRONG!!!! LOL...I was so innocent in my sneakeary.... Anyway... When daddy got home.. He saw the dollhouse of course... Mom found her broom, and i was down at the barn trying to scrub blue paint off me and my sister. All to no avale.... The funny thing is..... The Idea of A Ford House Blue Dollhouse was so Absurd that my family found it hilarious and I did not get into to much trouble...My only punishment was to be "BLUE" until the paint wore off. I dont know whatever happened to that old dollhouse, but I remember it like it was yesterday....

This has been an extremely mentally exhausting week. On Monday, my 14 year old son answered the phone ( i was calling from work to advise bill what time I would be home) and he was in a "state". A fellow classmate had commited suicide the following evening by hanging herself. Billy and I continued talking for about 15 minutes and I realized .. I needed to be home.. to be here for him and to listen and answer his questions. I think I handled it as best I could and I think my son has a healthy response and attitude to the whole incident. I on the other hand feel I have been "transformed" yet again at the impact parents and role-models have on our children's lives. The "reality" of it all crashing down around me and I am terrified for the over physical and mental well-being of all three of my kids and "am I doing the right thing"? Becoming a parent almost overnight has not been an easy task and it is one that is extremely tiring, and I do not recomend becoming a parent to anyone that still has "selfish" characteristics. My point being... when you have kids... YOUR LIFE STOPS.... There is no room for "me" time at least not in large doses. The new shoes, haricut, clothes, cd,purse, make-up, underwear, and various other things you so could easily purchase before are gone because you have to put food on the table, clothes on their backs, make sure they are clean and hair cut, and ...AND make them feel like empowered, loved, independent, intelligent, and valuable. Your reward for all of this? NOTHING.... not a thing... not until they grow up and have children of their own and realize all you sacrificed for them. I know I had no complete concept of this until I became a parent. Would I choose this path again? Not in a million years, but i am doing the best that i can with what i've got.... doesn't mean I dont love them with all my heart.... I just know now it was a much tougher job than Ward or June Cleaver ever protrayed....

I WAS PLANNING TO POST BUT HAVE BEEN DISTRACTED.....

You are Bella Donna.


Which Stevie Nicks album are you?
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People didn't think you could make it on your own,
but look at you now. You are a LEGEND. You were
even nominated for a Grammy. Yay for you.


Which Stevie Nicks song are you?
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The Land Of Nod

The cool, cool, rain washed gently over her fevered soul, cleansing past transgressions, and washing away all the remorse of ancient follies, and as the clouds hurriedly parted the midnight sky, the Moon, Full, and glowing silver light shown through the trees of ancient Nod and her dance of joy began around the roaring fire set ablaze with a flick of the wrist.

I am not sure where this is comming from folks....just felt a need to post it....

Who are the People of Nod?
Did they exist outside Eden?
Were they destoryed by the Flood?
And are these People not spoken of in detail in the bible for a reason?

The land of Nod is mentioned in Genesis and I am not sure what chapter and verse, but I have always wondered who were these people? Did they in fact exist? And why is Christianity and salvation only 2,000 years old?

Tell Me What YOU think....

My husband is a TV junkie and I well.. I can live with out it to a certain extent. I do have my favorites such Star Trek The Next Generation, The Lawerance Welk Show, Hee Haw, The Dukes of Hazzard, and Saturday Night Live....Movies have to have a certain appeal to hold my attention and there are very few out there that I cannot figure out within the first 15 minutes... 30 tops.... Some of my all time favorites are "Last of The Dogmen", "Titanic", Anything with John Wayne, All of the Lord of the Ring Movies, "What Lies Beneath", "Independance Day" and "Almost Famous"... There are others I enjoy but would not categorize as favorites.... My point in all of this is that my husband if very good at TV trivia and naming actors and actress'.... I am not.... But we got into a debate whether or not the guy that played Data(Brent Spiner) on Star Trek was the same guy that played the eccentric Dr./scientist on Independence Day..... Well guess what..... I won... I got online and looked it up and have mercy on me I was right!!!! Tee HEE... Score one for Team Re- Re'!!!!