I spend way to much time fretting over the little things......

and not enough enjoying the sound of my kids laughter, or taking time to listen to my husband's little jokes to lighten the mood...or the fact that he and the kids have missed me so much during the day that they all can hardly wait to share it all with me. I seem to be too short of time these days and only think about what needs to be done.. .Have the kids finished their homework, are the household chores done... is the checkbook balanced, have I paid the bills... so on and so forth...It seems I cannot seem to squeeze it all in a 18 hour day.... but i trudge forward with the hopes of conquering time and one day finally reaching my "UTOPIA" hA Ha....I do find that as I am getting older that I have less time for stupid people and petty things. I am more apt to speak my mind and lay all my cards on the table for whoever to like or dislike what I have to say. We spend way too much time being politically correct and the problems are still there.... Will they ever go away.... NO they won't... as long as human nature exists mankind will falter, make wrong choices, and simply choose to remain ignorant or uneducated. I do not have a college degree to tag at the end of my name, but I do have the need to grow and learn and develop into the best possible human being I can. As my mother used to say..... No One is PERFECT..... BUT,,,some of us are closer to it than others......

ttfn
Re'

A.O.L HELL!!!!

I DESPISE AOL'S BUSINESS ETHICS AND CUSTOMER SERVICE, BUT I LIKE THEIR INTERNET SERVICE. I HAVE TRIED MSN, EARTHLINK, COMPUSERVE, AND A LOCAL INTERNET SERVICE AND THEY SUCKED..... YEAH SUCKED.....GREAT CUSTOMER SERVICE BUT THEIR INTERNET SOFTWARE SUCKED....

I DOWNLOADED THE 8.0 PLUS AT KEYWORD AOL AND RECEIVED A COMPUTER VIRUS.... I CALLED AOL TO REPORT AND THE IDIOT ON THE PHONE HAD THE GALL TO TELL ME THAT THERE IS NO WAY IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED. MY NEIGHBOR HAD DOWNLOADED IT TOO.... AND SHE GOT THE SAME FUCKING VIRUS.... COINCEDENCE? I THINK NOT.... I TOLD THE PERSON I WAS NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING OR A HANDOUT BUT SIMPLY TO REPORT THE PROBLEM SO THEY COULD FIX IT.... HE PROCEEDED TO LECTURE ME ABOUT THE INTERNET AND UNLESS YOU HAD A FIREWALL YOU WERE NOT PROTECTED AND BLAH BLAH BLAH... I TOLD HIM I WAS NOT STUPID AND WAS AWARE OF THE FLAWS IN BEING ONLINE, BUT THAT I KNEW WHERE I HAD GOTTEN THIS VIRUS FROM.... HE PROCEEDED TO TRANSFER ME TO A TECH... WHO IN TURN TOOK MY REPORT AND DID SO IN AN EFFICIENT MANNER BUT HAD THE CARE AND WARMTH OF A CAST IRON COMMODE ON A SHADY SIDE OF AN ICEBERG.... HE THEN TRANSFERRED ME ANOTHER PERSON WHO BEGAN ADVISING ME OF WHAT ACTIONS TO TAKE... I STATED I KNOW WHAT ACTIONS TO TAKE JUST FIX THE PROBLEM ON YOUR SITE..... SHE KEPT ON...I SAID LOOK ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS REPORT THE PROBLEM... I HAVE FIXED MY COMPUTER ON MY END.. NOW PLEASE INVESTIGATE ON YOUR END AND THANK YOU FOR WASTING MY TIME,GOOD NIGHT.. AND I HUNG UP.... I AM STILL CONSIDERING LOOKING FOR ANOTHER INTERNET PROVIDER... I HATE STUPID PEOPLE POSING AS GENIUS'S BEHIND A SCRIPT DEVELOPED BY CORPORATE BLOWHARDS THAT DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE ABOUT THE COMMAN PEOPLE AND THE VERY PEOPLE THAT PAY GOOD MONEY FOR THEIR SERVICES. I AM TIRED OF THE COLLECTIVE ATTITUDE BY PEOPLE AROUND ME THAT JUST THROW THEIR HANDS UP AND LET THE MASSES BUTT FUCK US WITHOUT A KISS, A CIGARETTE OR VASELINE....YES I AM PISSED AND PISSED BIG TIME... SO..... THE MORAL IS DONT DOWNLOAD 8.0 PLUS FROM THE INTERNET GET THE FUCKING DISK..... HAVE A NICE DAY...

HI everyone!!!

Grandmaw is doing VERY well and has been pretty fiesty....LOL. She was moved out of ICU yesterday and is recovering nicely and Is HIGH as a kite....She told the nurse to keep the pain medicine acomming or we would have words about that.... She is aspiring to be a drug addict by the time she is dismissed from the hospital.....Her words not mine...lol but she was joking.... She also told the nurse to make sure her coffee was hot in the morning and not cold like it has been. She also said she wanted her Malt -o -meal and nothing else....LOL.... and I was afraid she would not stick up for herself.... The nurse thought she was a hoot and totally loves her spunky attitude.... It was such a relief to see her feeling so spry.....I have not written anything new lately but I am planning too.... I am shooting for a total relaxation day Sunday....

I have lost 18lbs....Yeah!!! I joined a Ladies Workout express today and so far I really like it!!! My goal is to lose 51 lbs by April.... Then 50 more by next october....yeah me!!! I am trying to be really commited to this... I used to be very thin and I know I will never be "really" thin again but I do want to be healthier...... So wish me luck....

I am going to be really busy the next few days and wont have much time to blog. My grandmother, who is 92, fell and broke her hip. She had surgery today and has come out of that well so far. She has a strong wiil and I am sure she is going to be fine, but I am not going to miss a day in seeing her.... I will blog as I can.... Love to all...

I made it home safe and sound from seeing my family and I had a really good time. I had written a poem for my brother and he read it and he cried and then he read it aloud to everyone and we both cried.... I found out he writes too, and a door that had seemed closed for so many years, openned wide again and My brother from childhood emerged again and we were close again.... There are wounds that have not healed from our childhood...Wounds that I have chosen to not think about... Wounds that brother has had eat away at him for years, but we each endured the same "torture" at the hands of our Mother..... I will not go into details... It brings back to much rage, and I am at a point in my life where her actions no longer matter and I can speak my mind to her and still maintain a relationship with her.... She is my mother no less.... Enought of that.. I dont want to go down that road tonight.

I will post the poem I wrote for my brother in a few days... I forgot to copy it down for me and I am going to have him email it to me....

It was exciting to discover that my brother writes as well and he does it beautifully. He is very gifted. He has also lost alot of weight and Looks awesome.... He weighs what he did in Highschool and makes me jealous.... I remember when I was skinny...LOL.... I think he has motivated me..... I want to feel healthy again.....

This week is a busy week... still have overtime, the Peanut Festival is this weekend and we have company comming. The boys are marching in the parade with boy scouts... Their mom maybe comming to see them as well.... So much is happening, Time is flashing past.... and even with all this to do and having Bill and the Boys... My soul still feels lonely tonight.... and I feel ashamed for feeling that way.... I do not understand myself.... I just dont know....

Signed on to my blogger today......

and it asked for a sercurity verifcation because it had been so long since i had posted anything.....HA HA HA.... just kidding....

I have been so busy this week with work and the kids and trying to get organized to go to West Texas tomorrow night to see my parents and my brother. It is my mom's birthday and my brothers 40th birthday. I am excited about seeing my family. I miss them.

I have written some new things and I am going to post them tonight...so here goes...

Untitled at this time

Painted Room with shades of blue
A shelter from a storm ... Raging
Within Her... Ghost of a blood shed
And tormented screams slowly dying
Wiped clean with the dawn of reasoning,
With the rising sun a veil of numb
Fell across her shoulders, Masking a
Shell... Allowing her to exist in the "OTHERS"
World for a few hours...and
For a time the solace of darkness entombed her...
A coma, for the wounds...
Allowing her to heal...And
Slowly the wings unfurled ... giving her flight
And she grew...
And she became a woman with an Ethereal
Essence and she learned
Her Magick and lived in glory...

Renee H....
10/8/03

The Heavy sound of darkness
Filled her room, painted blue, every day
Every night...
The sound of clicks echoed
Like distant footsteps
A Hovel, a hole carved
In A Time
A continuium
Her fortess
Her solitude

Escaping there each night
In search of truth, revealation,
Completeness
Betrayed in her world, Seeking
Acceptance in a new one...
Marveling at the freedom, the souls set
Adrift, Lost on a sea with no end...

Torment defined in new illusions
New name~~~Different game...
All to win~~~All to Lose...
And the ride became more like
The sea, and the danger became
Real, and the price of her soul...

She thought it was all free....

The sound of loneliness....
So thick....
So deep...
Like a fog....
And it twisted her preception, her reflection,
Twisted her mind, on thru the void
She went...The edge of nowhere loomed
Like an unseen Omen... Past the point
The Rescue... A lady of one time...
Living alone, secretly in another...

Renee H
10/8/03

Well, Its a boring Sunday Here~~~~

But I guess I needed it!!! After working my butt off last week with a horrible cold, I need some peace and quiet so I could rest. I took a two hour nap this afternoon and feel a little better. I wish I could have just slept till the morning, but no such luck with Bill and the kids around. Bill has been hounding me lately to get more exercise, and I understand his point, but with having near bronchitits I think I need to get well first before I start going on walks in the humid fall air...

I have written a couple of new poems but need to do some fine tunning before I post them. Hello to everyone and I will be seeing more this week.... TTFN

RE'

FOR BILL AND HIS BOYS... FOR WHOM WITHOUT I WOULD STILL BE EN-TOMBED IN A WORLD OF ONE.....


Countless lonely nights
En-tombed in a world of one
Reaching for the answers,
Reaching for the sun, the moon
and her stars...

A dreamer set adrift on
A age-less tear
Left to find her answer,
If she could only hear the call...

And the days were hard, and the
Nights... well no one will ever
Really know about those...

and just when the shadow's fell deep
Across the dreamer's heart...
A light touched-- A glimmer of a promise

Fueled by Two...
Searching for "The One" and So
The sun, the moon, and the stars came to her...

Her answer delivered, and the tears
No longer fell and she...
She was no longer adrift in a world of one...

Renee H
10/1/2003

For my Moon,... Bill,
For my Sun,... The boys,
For My stars,... the love you give that lights the way....

Without you, there would be no purpose. I love you! All of you....

Sometimes.... Its A Bitch.....

Overtime is here and is here to stay for a while. The money is nice and well needed, but it takes away so much time from my family and the things I enjoy. The kids have been great about doing the small chores which makes things easier and much nicer to come home and see all in order. I have a horrible cold too, and I am completely miserable. I am going to bed early tonight and get some rest. I will probably fall asleep listening to the Stevie Nicks CD I got in the mail today from Ronnie..... I can't wait to here all of it...... Thanks Ronnie you are totally cool!!! Well, the puppies are 5 and half weeks old and almost ready to sell.... I will miss the little buggers but the money will come in handy to either pay off the van or build a fence.... All in due time. TTFN ...

Re'