Politically Correct Terms for Cat Owners

My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of food.
My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).