The other day, I asked the kids to create something for me to hang on my cubicle wall at work....and this is what Matthew came up with and I am very impressed....


NIGHT

Night is cool,
Night is fright,
When I go,
It's sure a sight,
I'm so afraid,
That I hide,
In my closet,
Like a mouse,
Who seen a cat,
And the next night,
And the next night,
Till one day,
I stood up and said,
"I'm not afraid!"
Now the night is scared,
Because it thinks,
I'm a knight,
So I'm the
Knight of the night....

Matthew H. Age 11
3/15/05


I am still impressed....

I just finished reading a biography about Fleetwood Mac titled Never Break The Chain, Fleetwood Mac and the making of Rumours.... By Cath Carroll....

I must say, I did find the book interesting and informative on certain aspects of Fleetwood Mac I did not know, at first.....And then it happened, close to the end of the book when the author refered to Robin Anderson(Stevie's Closest Friend), as a "He". One can only hope this was a typographically error..... and to me an obvious one. It is the only mention of Robin and I find it hard to believe that the author did not whom he/she was addressing. Anywho, It was a good read for any die hard "MAC" fan and well worth the 14 bucks I shelled out for it.

Now on a different note, I know I have not blogged of late and basically have been too busy, to consumed in my own day to day crisis as well as not giving a flying fuck....

I have written a few new poems and i hate everyone of them and feel totally un-inspired simply because why write when it will never mean anything to anyone but me. At least that is where my attitude has been lately. I will get over it. I am on vacation this week and getting a much needed break from the pressures of work.... Thankfully, when I return next week I will be starting a new job within the company and will be in training for 8 - 10 weeks... sooooo NO overtime... Yippeee!@!!!!

I have also been extremely busy purging junk from my life and my house in the hopes of losing some clutter and adding some semblence of style... If only I could twitch my nose like Samantha, and covert my pack rat of a husband and children..... Boys Suck.....LOL

Right before christmas, Me, my step-son, and a couple of friends re-decorated my living room and it has turned out fabulous.

I have also been doing alot of reading. I am currently working on The Lord of The Rings and should finish it this weekend. I set it aside for a time to rest my brain and read the Mac book. Now I am ready to tackle it again.

I have also cancelled my AOL service and will seeking a new DSL/ Cable provider in the months to come. I want my money to be spent wisely and AOL was riping me off.

Anyway all is well here ... Sorry to have been away so long...

Re'

The Greatest Gift Part Two...

When I first posted my entry regarding my love for my husband, Bill, and his love and himself being the greatest gift I could ever receive, I had no idea I was preparing myself to be more aware of the love surrounding me. On Christmas Eve Day, at the elderly man that owner financed my home and lives next door to me called to wish Bill, the kids, and I a very Merry Christmas and told me how much he cared for us. I replied, "Abe, well we love you very much too." I have known him for a long time and had never told him those words. He treated my kids as his grand-kids and loved and adored us. When he called, I had a strange feeling and got goose bumps all over and the whole phone call seemed odd.... He then said, "God Bless Ya'll and that is all I wanted to say"... and I said okay and God Bless Ya'll too." A few minutes later an ambulance arrived, then several other cars, and a police car. Abe had clicked off the phone and slumped over in his chair and had passed on. All the way to West Texas I knew he was dead, but could not bring myself to admit it. I had talked to his wife before the ambulance left and she did not know his condition. When I got to my parents house, I called and found out for sure. I cannot put into words the emotions going through my heart. It was very un-nerving to have been the last person he spoke too, but at the same time it was very special and I feel he was telling us good-bye. I also wonder why I was the person he thought to call before he died. It was odd... it was as though he knew he was going... Christmas is going to mean something entirely different to me and my family from now on.... and I think I now have a guardian angel....

All My Love,
Merry Christmas

Re'

The Greatest Gift...

I have been going through some personal changes over the past year. I have constantly tormented myself with the question of WHY? Why do we exist, Why is there so much pain and suffering in the world, Why do we hurt the ones we love?, Why does humanity seem lacking in moral character?... Maybe, it is because I am growing older, maybe it is because I am still adjusting to an instant family... I am not really sure. When the doctor did my yearly well woman exam, he suggested a baseline mamogram and I went and a lump was found. One I could not even feel. I had to go back for an ultrasound, the radiologist doing it, stopped for a minute and went and got a Dr. I was so frightened and immeadiately I went numb. I was told it was a septated cyst and one in nine are cancerous. I could not believe what I was hearing. I was totally in shock. I had it removed and everything came back okay and I was so totally thankful. During this whole ordeal, my husband was there beside me in a way only he could be. I love his sense of humor and his quiet way of loving me. He told me that in the worse case scenerio that IF i had to have chemo, then I would lose all the weight I had been wanting to lose and if they had to take my breasts then I would be able to get the breasts of mine and his dreams. When he said that I died laughing, and loved him so much more than I already did.
I guess my point in this rambling is that this year my depth of understanding the greastest gift has matured and grown more than I thought possible. Bill and I were meant to be together and the boys were meant to be with us as well. If i never have another thing in my life, it would not matter...as long as I have my greatest gift, Bill....

Merry Christmas everyone...

Re'

I tried to post the other day but blogger lost my damn post and I gave up. Alot has been going on here. I had a lump in my breast removed on the 11th and thankfully all came back benign.... So, I had plenty to be thankful for this year. Its hard to believe Christmas is almost here....

I spent the holiday weekend at my parents house and had a lovely and relaxing time with no kids and no hubby. The kids went to their moms and Bill had cooking obligations for some neighbors, so I hooked to west texas to see my family..... good times.

'Tis The Season Of The Witch....

Happy All Hallow's Eve, my friends...

I think halloween is as much fun for the adults as the kids... It is the one night of the year we can dress up as someone else and have fun with fairly little out of pocket expense, if you are creative enough. This year as every year... I am a gypsy witch, and I think my costume is the best ever since my hair has grown rather long and wild looking and I have lots of interesting silver jewelry pieces to add to the costume as well as some beautiful and colorful scarves. My kids enjoy my dressing up and getting into the spirit of things and I get a kick out of their excitement. I have some family members that feel halloween is evil and totally against God... I however do not care. If I am going to hell for brining some joy and laughter into my house for a change then so be it. With that.... Happy Haunting and have magical night....
Re'

Netflix... How Did I survive without it?

Approximately two weeks ago I joined this movie rental club called Netflix. I am sure you all have seen the commercials for it, and I absolutely love it. For 22.00 dollars a month I have DVD's delivered via US Mail, no late fees,postage paid return envelopes, and 24-72 hour turn around time. No hassle of going to the video store and as long as I keep my rental que full of movies I want to watch and in the order I want to see them, I will always have something new and entertaing to due and I never have to deal with some pimply, hormonal teenager leering at me as though I were the enemy. Thank God for small wonders. So far it has only taken them a day to receive returned movies and the next day or two I get another one in the mail. I am very impressed and recommend it to everyone.

So far I have seen, The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, Taking Lives, 50 First Dates, The Whole Ten Yards, and La Belle Et La Bete. Anywho, well worth the money.

I made the kids clean house from top to bottom today, took away their tv and video game priveleges and their allowance for lunch money (they wont starve they can take their lunch) until they learn a little respect for me and how hard I work to give them the things they want and need. A few simple chores is not too much to ask of them considering the long hours I work. After one week, if they get their acts together, I will re-instate everything on the condition that chores continue to be done. The kids and I worked hard on cleaning the house and I explained to them if they would just take the time each day we would not have to spend hours on the weekend cleaning. Maybe this time it will work.

That's all for now..
Re'

Time...

Everyday, my life is full and busy and that is a good thing, but I do miss having enough "time" to blogg. I visit several bloggs and have learned many things, and feel I have grown as person. The advantage of the internet is too use it as a tool to expand your mind and your opinions, to learn about different cultures and societies. I have learned that Americans, in general, are not viewed positively as a whole, and that saddens me. I have been humbled in my own opinion regarding my societies arrogance. Personally, I am thankful to live in a country where I am free. I am ashamed of what some people have done in order to enforce freedom in other countries. I am thankful to have grown up in a place where values and morals are still something we teach our children. I am saddened that we still have adults that need teaching. I am thankful I have a truly commited and loving husband. I am appalled at the number of relationships failing...

Members of our society, expect handouts. It is something our country encourages and I destest this ridiculous notion. We allow women to choose to have an abortion, but the man has no choice when an unplanned pregnancy occurs. We coddle our children to much, and dont discipline them enough.
We give substance to criminals by explaining their actions with doses of "he was neglected as a child" he was molested, she was beaten.... When we should be preventing these things or at least making the criminal realize the consequences of their actions.

Maybe my opinion is too narrow, but I am at least partially right.

Here is a poem I wrote a while back and I have posted it before, but it just seemed to fit how I was feeling. I hope you enjoy.

Social Inequities

Foolishness reigns society
Conscious logical thought is a Minority…
Consequence serves no master
Truth is only an illusion
Fate is our master
------Therefore Our God------
Therefore fools prevail in THIS world.
Folly holds us prisoner
Death is inevitable
Growth is not…
Insolence suffers “Green Manalishi” talks…
Pawns in a Game of Fate
Yes—We ALL Lose
Destiny is the only truth
Idealism is dangerous
Indifference breeds stupidity

And we all just walk away….

I had a "complete" physical on Tuesday...

Complete.... is now a dirty word in my vocabulary. I was poked and proded and violated and molested in ways my husband has never even had the balls to attempt much less ask. I hate preventative care, but I guess I should be appreciative. Due to proper medication, my blood pressure was down to 120/80, and Doc. was very pleased. I don't know the results of the pap smear or labs yet, but hopefully all is well in that aspect. I also have lost 13 lbs which doc was also pleased but I still have a long way to go. I can no longer have bread or potatoes and sugar must be used sparingly ... ie no sweets and I have to stop smoking... every dr says that... I have lost 33% of my lung capacity, i have emphysema/copd and at 33 that is not good. I was given a very stern lecture and told to stop. I have been given anti-anxiety medicine and it is helping but I still smoke.. just not as much right now. I am on my last pack from the carton we had, so bill and I are both going to quit. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I would give my life for my step-kids without second thought, but to give up smokes? I had never before even seriouslly considered it and now, now I want to stop...
I will probably be doing a lot of posting about this. I think it maybe theraputic because I was wanting a smoke really bad and since I have been typing the craving edged off.

All is well otherwise. Just life as usual, nothing to write home about. Love to All

Re'

I know I should have my blogging permit revoked for failure to appear....

Overtime at work is killing me physically and mentally, but financially it is going to look pretty nice....

I went to killer birthday party for a very dear friend of mine over the weekend and more fun than is safe to write home about.... tee hee.... Good Times....

I have some new stuff to post but I will share one with ya'll tonight....

Trembling like a wounded bird,
The lady's torment bleeds
To the surface of her resolve,
And the force of aged passion's
Ravages her sanity...
So te lady fades behind
A wall of protection...
Sheilding herself from
Future emotional pains
Within her dis-illusionment
She is like a blade
Cutting All she sees with true remorse,
But still unable to cease.
The will is weak and the anger strong
And the days grow harder, longer,
And the nights colder,
Offerring little repreive.
She hopes to grow softer ...
Even with no direction home...

9/9/04 Renee Herod

Some Call It A Dream...

FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME ON THE WAY TO POST.....

Tee hee.... I know I have been a naughty, naughty girl for not posting.... but hey I think you will agree that it has been well worth the wait... I have several poems for your enjoyment.... Email me, leave a comment, tell me what you think....


I started a new poetry journal and have dutifully titled it, "In Between The Knowing" My first two poetry journals were titled "Painted Pages Of A Poets Heart"....

The following poems are from "In Between The Knowing..."

And the Angel cried out into
The night and the demons fell away,
The voice calling down the rain,
The moon, and the water...
With the force of a God, A spirit
That moves through all that is, was...

And the Angel raised a
Force of wind and light
Casting away the pale shadows
Lurking outsided the lady's hall...

And the Angel fed the flame
Of hope with a Breath Of
Faith burning down the
Walls of decades past...

And the Angel sang the moon's song
Of love , of a faith of ancients
And the lady, the lady she
heard the wind, and the rain
And felt the wals falling, and
She glowed in the light of Evermore...

Renee Herod
8/27/04


Spirit of the End...
Spirit of the Wind...
Spirit of Everything...
Dances on the birth of an idea...
Long left in shadow...
Alone she wept with this thought...
She alone was tempted for the
Taste of the unknown...
Long left to grieve for this spirit...
She alone loved him...

Renee Herod
8/27/04


When the freedom of
Soft wind and moon lit
Night leaves a soul wanting...

And the lady hears a voice calling...
And waiting...
The vision of yet to come will
Always haunt her....
Always the force of nature
Pulling her to a higher dimension
Welcoming the cleansing
Fog of meditation...
She'll always take it...

And the hand of God crashes in
The night and she is within
A realm of illusion... and
She sees...She sees the death
Of her past, of what she was supposed to be...
No comming back again... the force hath taken
And wills her to wait for the comming dawn...

She can feel it, she can feel the
Forces pulling her spirit...
Sending her chasing the glory
of Knowledge... the force , A
Strenght within her own will...
And Illicit love consuming her...


Renee Herod
8/27/04


An element of Fire,
An element of ice,
Born of the moon,
And graced with the
Eyes of the earth
The lady exudes ancient power...

And in the arms of the ancient,
The wise,--- The forgotten,
She blooms like a night orchid
With sweet sadness, but never remorse...

Renee Herod
8/27/04

Hello Everyone!!!

Lordy Lordy Lordy!!!! It has been busy around here. It seems that I never have time to do anything extra anymore with the kids being home. My dad had a heart cath done and there was no blockage!!! Yeah!!! School started back on Monday and it has been the usual mountains of paperwork to be filled out and in triplicate since I have three.

The oldest is 15 and hormonal.... I may not live through these teenager years....

The kids biological mother moved to another state this summer
Not much else going on.... I have done some writing here and there and I will get it posted soon.... Love to All

Re'

Looks like I will be making the ol' switcheroo to Verizon DSL w/ MSN.... Money talks and bullshit walks... toodles AOL....    You are no longer the King in my opinion.  
 
I have been a busy little bee.... I have been going to work out everyday this week and next week I start Pilates twice a week.... Yeah Me.. I have lost 4lbs..... My current goal is to lose 30lbs by September 18th.   I am trying really hard to stay with it.  I have a total of 120lbs to lose and I will be back to a healthy weight.  Considering my weight my cholesteral is at 224 but needs to be lower.... I have already lowered it from 315... go me again!!! .... My blood pressure is up and I am currently taken medication for that but I want to get off those pills.... anywho... not much else going on here...... TTFN 

HMMMMMMMMM..... Interesting Prospects......


I am forever in search of a bargin, however; sometimes, I do pay for the convience of things, such as AOL, BUT, those days may soon be over. Currently, I have DSL through AOL and it costs a small forturne. Today, I found out that Verizon offers DSL with MSN for 29.95 no additional charges. While speaking with the rep from Verizon, I asked her several times... Does MSN charge an addtional charge for use of their services.... Her reply everytime was NO. A neighbor friend has recently signed up for DSL with Verizon and was told the same thing. She is supposed to let me know if this is true.... I just can't help but be suspicious. However, if it turns out to be true... I am so switching.... Good-bye AOL.... I called AOL to see if they offered anytime of promotion package that included the same as Verizon, and no they don't AND they are no longer promoting DSL or offering it to new customers. Existing customers can still carry it but at an additional charge of 31.95 or so a month. So, I am starting to think that I may truly be on too something here and that verizon is the way to go.... and if it is.... YAHOO!!!! I just saved us ooodles of money.... Yeah ME!!!!

The Truth Behind My limited Blogging....

I have a confession... I have not been blogging,simply because it is difficult to find any thing positive to blog about, so I simply do not blog. I do not want people reading my blog to think I am a totally negative person, though, secretly maybe I am... Who Knows... I think I have two personas... the one I show everyone, and then the one that lives inside my head... I am good at giving advice to people and supporting them, but my own head is a mess....LOL... "No one knows how I feel, or what I say unless you read between my lines." Stevie said it best....

Ta For Now...

Re'

With deliberate effort, I placed my feet in front of me and climb the steps to my front door. All four of the dogs were jumping and wagging their tails in an unconditional display of their love and affection for me and missing me all day while I was at work. I patted each one hello and said words affirming my love for them and stumbled exhausted to my trusty recliner. After smoking a cigarette that tasted almost as good as the one after sex, I began to shed my clothes... I hate clothes.. especially bras. I peeled my sports bra off and pulled it up over my head and let out a blood curling yelp as any good(evil) commanche indian would after scalping its hapless victum. I had my trophy(minus the blood)above my head and tossed it away. AHHHHH!!! FREEDOM at last... and I rested....


How's that for interesting, Satan Muffin? HMMMMMM????? TEE HEE...

"What We've got here is.... Failure to Communicate..."


So, I have not blogged in over 10 days.... So sue me... I dont care... TEE HEE...

Updates:

The biotch got 10 years probation,a fine, and 90 days in jail....
The system does not work.


My parents were in town for the weekend so I was very busy with family stuff. Had fun, ate to much..blah blah blah.

Not much else going on.

GUILTY OF MANSLAUGHTER...

One year and ten days ago a friend of mine, a father, a husband, a son, and productive member of society was ripped from our lives by a woman that is only being partially held accountable for her actions. The trial began on June 21st, exactly, one year ago to the day of the shooting, and yesterday afteroon she was found guilty of manslaughter and not murder which carries a penalty of probation or 20 years in prison. Today, the jury is deliberating her sentence and as of this writing I have not heard the outcome. While I am thankful for some form of justice, I am saddened that the outcome was not more severe, she did take a life. It can be argued that was not her intent, but let us be realistic for a moment. Her boyfriend was beating the shit out of his wife, yes wife, and my friend was trying to get him off her, and the woman went inside the house got a .357 magnum, and returned outside. The gunshot entered his thigh at close range and travelled upwards through his mouth and exiting his head. She told authorites she fired the gun in the air... (sorry folks does not compute). The wife, had been beaten unconscious, and has no recollection of the events after the fight with her husband began. The only three people that really know what happened are the woman, the husband, and my friend...

It can be argued this was a heat of the moment arguement that went all wrong, but it still doesn't change the fact she went and got the gun and used it on my friend and killed him. There are many more facts I could discuss, but it would take too much time, and I cannot change the verdict. I hope she rots in hell...

Got Poems???



Thing Of Beauty

Was the sky blue today,
Did anyone notice?
Reasons come raining
Down through the tears
From Above...
Lost inside an
Inner torment
Fueled by a lunatic's disease,
She waits for an epiphany,
Waiting on the edge of maddness...
No one came...
No one "got it"
No one provided a boundary...

And life lived and died with
A drug induced bloody euphoria
Shadows of the truth dimmed
By a purple haze...

Renee H.
6/21/04


False Validation

Take a walk outside your
Selfish proximity for
Just a moment of time
And maybe you will find
There is more to you than me..
And the life you lead
Could be so much more
If only you did not breathe for me...


Renee H
6/21/04 not finished


Aging

And she was alone in her darkness
Shadows of her beauty
Dancing through memory
Greiving for life times passed
And the losing grace of age,
Passing down to a
Tried little woman of
A dead era...

Renee H.
6/23/04

Leave

Go ahead, leave ifyou will
No so many tears fell in despair
No stories to be told of love here...
The flame born here,
Shall die here...
Just like me..

All night long
You danced with me and now
Morning is comming
So, Go ahead, leave if you must

The pale grey tears are only
Falling from the sky here...

Renee H

6/23/04

Little Dreamer

It is your heart beat
In the shadows of night
I hear calling to me...
It is your footsteps
In the hall I hear...
Some lonesome night...
And I became like a lunatic
Flying through the
Wind, and the rain
Just to get to you...

Renee H.
6/23/04

Written for the spirit of a mother getting to a frightened child deep in the night...

Vision Of Night

He stole away the light
Within the darkness
And brave she was...
And still she was changed...
No longer a weaver
Of enchantment
The lady faded with in
The Myst, within the night...
And she fell away from the dream,
She fell away longing for a night song...

Renee H.
6/23/04


Untitled

She turned to the sound of a voice
Calling out her name
And she became consumed
With the knowledge of time
Pressing down around her...
Just like the echoes of voices...
And the song she sang became
A lullabye to madness...
She was drowning in a pool of demons
Taunts never stopping, Age
Of reason slipping away...
And she never made it home...


Renee H.
6/23/04


Ilusion Within A Dream

Was it her you saw within
Your dream each night
The beauty unbeholden
To a voice or a brush,
Was she the one enticing you
To live within a lie...

In the silence of a moment,
In the beauty of a moment,
Whose face did you see...
In those dreams...
Whose eyes fell upon your sorrow
In tears of pain rolling down
An innocent face---weeping
For your pain...

But...

Maybe, it was you all
along drifting between realities...

Renee H
6/25/04